Posts Tagged ‘me’

It’s been such a crazy 9 months with all the moving, the divorce, the kids, finding jobs… and my depression. That’s been killer. I was so proud of myself for finally coming out of my hiding place in the bathroom. The place where I hid from the world for upwards of 16 hours a day, every day hiding from my then husband. I only came out to care for my kid’s between coming home from school in the afternoon until bedtime then right back in I went until I was too exhausted to sit upright anymore so that I wouldn’t have to go to bed with him. This went on for about 8 months.

In those 8 months I reached my lowest low, I almost killed myself 3 times and I came out the other side and started to realize that I can’t live that way anymore. Now, there was A LOT going on in the background… my relationship was in nonexistent and violent and getting only worse, my kid’s were really being affected by the constant tension in the house, and I was trying to silently get my self together enough to leave.

In the spring I was able to pack my kid’s and cats and move out. Finally. Even though things are SO much better now, I still hide in the bathroom multiple times a day… but now maybe only 1 or 2 hours a day.. and not consecutively. Just when I need to breathe. I’m finding ME without restriction. I’m slowly… so slowly.. healing. I’ve got some PTSD from my last relationship but I’m working through it.

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     A few years ago I was on a journey to have a lap band surgery. I was 5’2 and weighed 200 pounds.

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I jumped through all the hoops and had surgery scheduled. One of those hoops was a sleep study. It was miserable. You go to a hospital or lab and they hook you up to a million wires and you have to try and sleep with this crap attached to you, while someone watches you via camera. Yeah. Good luck. It was determined I had sleep apnea, but I never did anything about it. – I also did not get the lap band surgery. (I did, however, get a divorce shortly after and ended up losing weight a healthier way – its amazing what happiness will do!)
     Anyway, fast forward to a few months ago when my doctor is telling me again that he would like me to do another sleep study. I reaaallly didn’t want to. But I consented, and this time it was not at a hospital, but at the Marriott hotel.
DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRICK. They can dress it up all pretty, but it’s still a stupid sleep study. They still attach you to 900 wires, and ask you to sleep like nothing is different and like a stranger isn’t watching you. But they are. They are and its creepy.

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That was me, last night. Don’t I look like I’m about to get some good, quality sleep?  Well, I tried. It was a typical pretty much no sleep type of night. In the morning the guy came in and said I still have sleep apnea although it’s mild so I don’t need oxygen. He said I have restless leg syndrome,  which surprised me, and asked me if I hit my husband in my sleep. I looked down and said yes. He asked if I wake up with bruises I didn’t have when I went to sleep – I answered yes. He says I have REM Behavior syndrome (or disorder, I don’t remember which) and that the medication to deal with both things is the same. Klonopin.
     Of course, the physician still has to look over everything and make a final decision. These are just preliminary findings. Nothing life altering, but man it would be nice to just sleep well and wake up refreshed. I honestly have no idea what that is like. I don’t remember ever feeling like that in the morning.