Posts Tagged ‘heart ache’

Life is so boring and banal right now. It’s a big change but damn. It’s still all so confusing. I don’t know what I want my life to look like.

I’ve stopped my meds so that I can deal with my bpd with therapy only and feel so much more clear now but with it brings heartache and confusion. Ive hurt so many people unintentionally, and I’m doing my best to be mindful and live in the moment but part of my past just won’t stay out if my head. 


I have started today’s entry no less than 11 times. The first 10 times the subject was the same. My daughter Angelica, whose 18th birthday is today. But that is not something I’m ready to share yet. I don’t have the emotional strength to go down that journey in writing by myself. Writing unlocks doors for me to bring forth details that would rip open the scars of wounds I’m not ready feel again. Not yet. Not all at once. So instead, I’ll give you this:

I’m sometimes a train wreck. I have trust issues, abandonment issues.. but I have very strong beliefs. One of them is that everything – be it bad or good – happens for a reason. We may not like that reason, or we may not understand that reason at the time, but there is always a reason.

Maybe I have to believe that to try and make sense of my life… I don’t know. But I believe it with all my heart.¬† I had a long, miserable marriage to my ex husband, and produced 2 wonderful (though sometimes challenging!) children. I wouldn’t erase our marriage and the hell he (continues to) put me through for anything because that’s what I had to endure to get my kids, and I love being their mom. ..(speaking of moms… I should call mine…) Ok, that’s partially true – I would LOVE for the hell to stop but it wont and that’s a residual effect of being married to him…. and that’s a story for another day. (wow.. tangents much?)

I lost a good amount of people I thought were my friends when I divorced. Some of those people really shocked me. One of them had been one of my closest friends since I was 11 years old. That hurt the worst – knowing she told him all of my secrets and knowing she stood by him while he worked to ruin my life. (didn’t work by the way) But it showed me who my real friends really were, and for that, I was grateful.

But, the best part is.. I have found where I truly belong. I have found family and friends that completely accept me for me. I have an AMAZING husband who came into this knowing all of my flaws and didn’t care. We met when we were small children, and grew up together. He gets me, and knows exactly where I’m coming from. I am so lucky to be in love with him. This new life we have together is so different from what either of us had before we found each other again – and it’s been the best thing for both of us. In finding each other again, and in becoming a part of this new life and this new family, I have found the best friend a girl could ever want. Shelbie is an amazing person. She may not always agree with me (but honestly, I don’t think there has been anything yet that we disagree on other than creamer in our coffee vs. black) but we can always talk about ANYTHING (poop conversation anyone?) at anytime and it’s always ok. There isn’t a single thing that either of us shy away from telling the other. I do not fear that when I tell her something that it will end up in the ears of others later, or that she will judge me silently or otherwise. I have never had that. I thought I had close to that.. but even then, I always knew in the back of my mind that my words were not truly safe.

I have a lot of new friends. I love them dearly. But Troy and Shelbie are the two people I know I can trust with the darkest parts of my heart, and I’ll be safe. I’ll still be loved.