Posts Tagged ‘daily life’

It’s been such a crazy 9 months with all the moving, the divorce, the kids, finding jobs… and my depression. That’s been killer. I was so proud of myself for finally coming out of my hiding place in the bathroom. The place where I hid from the world for upwards of 16 hours a day, every day hiding from my then husband. I only came out to care for my kid’s between coming home from school in the afternoon until bedtime then right back in I went until I was too exhausted to sit upright anymore so that I wouldn’t have to go to bed with him. This went on for about 8 months.

In those 8 months I reached my lowest low, I almost killed myself 3 times and I came out the other side and started to realize that I can’t live that way anymore. Now, there was A LOT going on in the background… my relationship was in nonexistent and violent and getting only worse, my kid’s were really being affected by the constant tension in the house, and I was trying to silently get my self together enough to leave.

In the spring I was able to pack my kid’s and cats and move out. Finally. Even though things are SO much better now, I still hide in the bathroom multiple times a day… but now maybe only 1 or 2 hours a day.. and not consecutively. Just when I need to breathe. I’m finding ME without restriction. I’m slowly… so slowly.. healing. I’ve got some PTSD from my last relationship but I’m working through it.


 I was outside sweeping the house  (like, the actual siding of the house.. I’m a psycho) and thinking about how drastically my life has changed in a year. Last year at this time I was spending 16+ hours locked in a bathroom, often laying in the empty tub contemplating suicide. Then I got a new diagnosis (borderline personality disorder) and realized that I had to make changes and fast. I had to get the kids and myself away from Troy (who tormented me) for good. I had to get off of the (9) medications I was on so I could think clearly bc I was taking medications for bipolar and depression – which I didn’t have (the bipolar part). BPD is totally treatable with mindfulness, dialectical behavioural therapy and a lot of self work and coping skills. 

A year later, I’m still not that great at those skills but I’m trying. I struggle every day with myself, but not with my life.

I no longer spend every day wishing I were dead. My kids and I are safe. We survived. We are thriving. 

For the first time ever  I’m in a good, loving, safe and supportive relationship. I have friends who love me, are there for me, and understand when I need to work on my own shit for awhile, without making me feel bad about it. 

This is the truest meaning of blessed and I’m so grateful. 

I’ve started taking pictures again, but not so much that I have begun lugging around my big ass camera. Just my phone. I have mostly been taking black and whites, they are my favorite.


Sunday I drove up to Mesa, Colorado. (What you can see in the photo is pretty much the entire town) The town my husband and I met and grew up in. Our families still live there. I was there to visit my mom and help her make my brother’s birthday cake. I also carved my nickname in her table, as per her request.


      At my moms, I dont have
to fight for the bowl of cake batter.

     Later that evening the kids came back from their DNA donor’s house and we had family game night.

I’m fairly sure the game of life has more rules than real life!

     On Monday my love had to leave for his new job

and Jbug had to get a cleaning at the dentist.

Tuesday brought an excruciating hour spent with my ex husband and there were no photos that day. Wednesday was back to Starbucks to finish up some bs with said ex husband and I photographed this gentleman.

So that brings us to now. The kids are playing Mortal Kombat, the cat is meowing incessantly and my husband still is not home. I think I’ll go take a bath.