!–more–>
Our internet and TV has been shut off. The house is quiet. The kids are forced with the horrifying task of interacting with each other and -gasp- us, their parents. JBug has no problem with this. She’ll talk our faces off all day long. But Jules would rather slowly die in his closet of despair before uttering what could be construed as a positive conversation with his adult jailors.

Enter the game of Monopoly. I bought it last night knowing full well it may drive Troy and I to divorce within mere hours, but was willing to risk it for the sake of entertainment. One can only watch the cat bash her face against the fish tank for so long.
image

Jules let us know he had homework, chores, and he hated monopoly and would not be joining us. So, being the good parents we are, we set up to start playing without him. Within 5 minutes he was at the table with us – totally on his own accord. The game went well, and hopefully was not a glimpse into our future…
image

That’s me visiting Jules in jail.

Two hours passed and it was bed time. Jules was already completely bankrupt and out of the game about 20 minutes before hand and said something about not having time to do anything because he was “dragged into family game night.” That made me smile.

And yes.. I lost, Troy won, and we’re divorcing next week. 😉

Advertisements

But it’s not a resolution

Posted: January 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I don’t do resolutions, mostly because I feel like if I do, I’m just setting myself up to fail. I rarely stick to things all the way through – I super suck at that.  Never the less, there are some things I would like to change this year, or, continue working on.

For instance, I need to work on being more outwardly affectionate towards my husband. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t always make that known physically.

I need to stand up for myself more when it comes to my kids. I allow them to talk back to me and treat me like shit sometimes and it has to stop.

I also need to STOP being the helicopter mom that I am. I’m not as bad as I used to be… but I could let up on the reigns some more for sure.  It would be better for them and for me.

I’ll be working on this shit slowly but surely through out the year… only time will tell if I accomplish them or not.

 

Everything Changes In Time

Posted: February 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

     One year, five months, and twenty two days ago we kissed for the first time. I stepped into the sky and have yet to come down. From that day, we were inseparable. Within days of that event, our entire lives changed and we remained  scarcely inches from each other. Always within reaching distance. Always reaching. Always touching Always glancing at each other. Thinking the same thoughts – no matter how random. We became emotionally and physically dependent on each other. I can feel you enter – and exit a room. We essentially became one person.

     But.. then what? My world is thrown for a loop. I’ve been knocked from my cloud, and cast aside – it’s cold. It’s lonely. You no longer reach for me. We’re no longer always at one another’s side, always holding hands or leaning on one another. I miss you.

Mirror, Mirror

Posted: February 11, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags:

What if I don’t look ANYTHING like I think I do?

I have been a stay at home mother since the second my children were born. I have been there for every sniffle, cough, laugh, tear and wail of MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMIIEEEEEEE at 4 am.  Then I got a divorce. That was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. But it has certainly made some things harder. My kids were thrown for a loop when the divorce happened, we kept them pretty sheltered from everything that was going on. I was a fake it till you make it mother. I hid everything I ever felt and plastered an “everything is perfect” smile on my face. I thought that was the right thing to do, but in reality, it made it that much harder for them to understand when it happened. I have come to realize over the past year and a half that you CAN shelter a kid too much. But I digress. This is a subject for another day.

ANYWAY, now, I am a full-time student. I get straight A’s. I work my ASS off at school, to keep my 4.0 GPA because I want to make sure and get a great job when I graduate. I want my employer to be able to look at my transcript and think “this bitch is going to work her ass off for us.” I go to school and work on school all day. I come home, and work on school. Pick my youngest up from school, come home, work on school, make dinner, work on school, check on the fam, work on school. I don’t get a lot quality of time with my kids, or my new husband. Everyone feels neglected by me. My son,who is 13, understands and when he feels like he wants some time with me, he comes and tells me and we work something out. My little girl (she is 11) – not so much. She gets in my face and acts obnoxious and loud and drives me insane until I kick her out of whatever room I’m in so I can study. Then she gets upset with me. Last night I talked to her about it and she told me she feels like I don’t care about her. A part of me knows that she is overreacting and being dramatic – but the other part of me KNOWS I have been pretty unavailable the past several months. I do the best I can with what little time I have. I feel like an asshole parent. She made me feel terrible and I cried my eyes out last night.

But, I also feel like after I graduate in November, this time will have been a blip on the radar of our life and all the stuff I have sacrificed to finish school will be worth it eventually. I hope that my kids can bear with me until then. I hope I can figure out how to balance it all out.

Posted: January 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

more fat acceptance..

The Ellipses Project

ByCaitlin

Well before the ball dropped in New York City to mark the beginning of 2013, diet and weight-loss ads were airing non-stop on television, encouraging viewers to get a headstart on their New Year’s resolution to lose weight and “get healthy.” There was Jennifer Hudson praising the Weight Watchers point system. Then, there was Jessica Simpson also thanking Weight Watchers for helping her shed pregnancy weight the media mercilessly criticized her for gaining. Plagued by negative comments about the size of their bodies, Hudson and Simpson chose to participate in a multi-billion dollar diet industry. They, and the companies they work for, profit from the American obsession with thinness, and they sell an impossible dream of beauty that is always dependent on weight-loss.

It’s not only Weight Watchers doing the fat shaming. New commercials for Special K ask viewers What will you gain when you lose? and show…

View original post 1,227 more words

     Lately, I have seen things about “fat acceptance” everywhere. On one hand, this THRILLS me to no end. I mean.. seriously? I can be fat, eat what I want, dress how I want and NOT care about what others think? This seems like a no-brainer. Bring on the fat love! Only… uh.. no. I’m fat. I DON’T love it – and as a matter of fact I make myself sick whenever I look in the mirror. I am disgusted by what I see there.

But I don’t want to be.

I WANT to love myself.

I WANT to see what everyone else sees in me.

I WANT to accept what I am.

But I don’t know how.

     There are a few women who are .. rather large women who I look up to because these women are smart, confident, GORGEOUS women.. and they tip the scales at over 300 pounds! No, I’m not that big.. but I’m big. I’m not blind. I see it. I feel it. I know. It’s there. Despite everything I have put myself through – there it is. I have an emotional attachment to it – even while I hate it at the same time. It’s a sick twisted circle. I started gaining weight when I was younger on purpose. I NEEDED to be overweight, and unattractive. I needed this to protect myself from those who sought to touch and otherwise hurt a girl who was too young for such things. Surely if I was ugly.. they would leave me alone, right? Wrong. But it was too late, I was well on my way to being a fat girl. I hated myself even MORE.

     I put myself through several years of binging and purging. I no longer have a gag reflex and my esophagus is shot. I hated myself MORE because it was no longer other people hurting me – I was hurting myself.

     Fast forward to now. I am past all the hurt. Nobody would DARE touch me if I didn’t want them to. I do not force myself to vomit every time I eat – though honestly, I seriously consider it several times a week. 

     My husband is the most amazing, understanding and supportive man I have ever met. He never fails to tell me I’m beautiful. He tells me (and shows me in every way he can) that he loves me, and that I am just what and who he wants.

                            I wish I had that much confidence in me.