Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

It’s been such a crazy 9 months with all the moving, the divorce, the kids, finding jobs… and my depression. That’s been killer. I was so proud of myself for finally coming out of my hiding place in the bathroom. The place where I hid from the world for upwards of 16 hours a day, every day hiding from my then husband. I only came out to care for my kid’s between coming home from school in the afternoon until bedtime then right back in I went until I was too exhausted to sit upright anymore so that I wouldn’t have to go to bed with him. This went on for about 8 months.

In those 8 months I reached my lowest low, I almost killed myself 3 times and I came out the other side and started to realize that I can’t live that way anymore. Now, there was A LOT going on in the background… my relationship was in nonexistent and violent and getting only worse, my kid’s were really being affected by the constant tension in the house, and I was trying to silently get my self together enough to leave.

In the spring I was able to pack my kid’s and cats and move out. Finally. Even though things are SO much better now, I still hide in the bathroom multiple times a day… but now maybe only 1 or 2 hours a day.. and not consecutively. Just when I need to breathe. I’m finding ME without restriction. I’m slowly… so slowly.. healing. I’ve got some PTSD from my last relationship but I’m working through it.

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 I was outside sweeping the house  (like, the actual siding of the house.. I’m a psycho) and thinking about how drastically my life has changed in a year. Last year at this time I was spending 16+ hours locked in a bathroom, often laying in the empty tub contemplating suicide. Then I got a new diagnosis (borderline personality disorder) and realized that I had to make changes and fast. I had to get the kids and myself away from Troy (who tormented me) for good. I had to get off of the (9) medications I was on so I could think clearly bc I was taking medications for bipolar and depression – which I didn’t have (the bipolar part). BPD is totally treatable with mindfulness, dialectical behavioural therapy and a lot of self work and coping skills. 

A year later, I’m still not that great at those skills but I’m trying. I struggle every day with myself, but not with my life.

I no longer spend every day wishing I were dead. My kids and I are safe. We survived. We are thriving. 

For the first time ever  I’m in a good, loving, safe and supportive relationship. I have friends who love me, are there for me, and understand when I need to work on my own shit for awhile, without making me feel bad about it. 

This is the truest meaning of blessed and I’m so grateful. 

Life is so boring and banal right now. It’s a big change but damn. It’s still all so confusing. I don’t know what I want my life to look like.

I’ve stopped my meds so that I can deal with my bpd with therapy only and feel so much more clear now but with it brings heartache and confusion. Ive hurt so many people unintentionally, and I’m doing my best to be mindful and live in the moment but part of my past just won’t stay out if my head. 

Brave New girl

Posted: November 14, 2017 in Uncategorized

I’m so different from who I was 6 years ago, that’s true. My experience has changed me. I’ll never be her again and that’s okay. This new me is emerging and she is humbled and patient. Reflective. 

 I have so much self work to do but it’s going to be so worth it. 

Come sit beside me, my only son

Posted: August 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

This is a blog written by a friend and let me tell you, I admire this woman to no end.

Candy Bottoms

My son has always been different. I chalked it up to being just a boy. Not that I have any clue if boys are any different than girls in their early years. I just made assumptions based off gender stereotypes and BuzzFeed articles discussing the ten things every mother of boys knows.

He is in fact different than his sisters. He does not welcome kisses or care to respond when you call his name. He rarely looks you in the eye and is content to be left alone. I thought he was just a “good” baby. The kind that rarely cries. Till I started to notice the little things. The little quirks like walking on his tip toes or sticking his fingers in his ears. I joked the biting was Conrad kisses and the pinching was just frustration. His intense focus on certain things and his lack of interest in…

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     I have a lot of mix CD’s in my car, and I have written what they are on each one – but I’m pretty terrible at it and mostly they are all just surprise mix CDs. They are kinda fun to go down memory lane with on occasion. Anyway, one  evening I was driving home from a friend’s house and a song came on from one such CD and I was singing along when suddenly I got quiet and just listened. I started thinking to myself that this was a song that young women … hell.. all women! needed to hear and take to heart. I thought about my daughters. I thought about Jenna, who is now 12 and has all those issues that being 12 brings; “popular girls”, body changes, new feelings, self doubt, questioning everything and everyone – teasing in school.. all of it. I though about how it only gets worse in some aspects, and better in others. I thought about how even as adults, we still have a lot of these problems within ourselves. Let’s look over this song:

Des’ree
Gotta Be
Big Sing 2008

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause your tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted don’t be ‘shamed to cry

You gotta be, you gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My, oh, my
he-eh-y

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

Time asks no questions it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can’t stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning can’t stop it if you tried to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Remember, listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause your tears
Go ahead release your fears
My, oh, my
He-ey-y

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know love will save the day

Got to be bold, Got to be bad
Got to be wise, no never sad
Got to be hard, not too too hard
All I know is love will save the day

You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
Oooh, yeah yeah yeah

What I see here is a woman saying that you have to keep your head up, and be strong. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions and step out of the box and ultimately, love – the love you have for your SELF will “save the day” or.. in the end.. keep you from falling apart because you are a strong individual.

     I see all these girls already agonizing over boys and how their “lives are over” because so and so broke up with them and I’m floored because these are 11 and 12 year old girls! I am SO glad my daughter and her friends are more the anime/fan girl type rather than the boy chasing/OMG what if he doesn’t like my fb status type.. for now. ( I’m not dumb.. I know it’ll happen) I only hope that in the meantime, these girls have their heads on straight, their hearts in their OWN firm grasp, and their minds on their futures, because they are big, and they are bright, and these girls can do anything.

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I have started today’s entry no less than 11 times. The first 10 times the subject was the same. My daughter Angelica, whose 18th birthday is today. But that is not something I’m ready to share yet. I don’t have the emotional strength to go down that journey in writing by myself. Writing unlocks doors for me to bring forth details that would rip open the scars of wounds I’m not ready feel again. Not yet. Not all at once. So instead, I’ll give you this:

I’m sometimes a train wreck. I have trust issues, abandonment issues.. but I have very strong beliefs. One of them is that everything – be it bad or good – happens for a reason. We may not like that reason, or we may not understand that reason at the time, but there is always a reason.

Maybe I have to believe that to try and make sense of my life… I don’t know. But I believe it with all my heart.  I had a long, miserable marriage to my ex husband, and produced 2 wonderful (though sometimes challenging!) children. I wouldn’t erase our marriage and the hell he (continues to) put me through for anything because that’s what I had to endure to get my kids, and I love being their mom. ..(speaking of moms… I should call mine…) Ok, that’s partially true – I would LOVE for the hell to stop but it wont and that’s a residual effect of being married to him…. and that’s a story for another day. (wow.. tangents much?)

I lost a good amount of people I thought were my friends when I divorced. Some of those people really shocked me. One of them had been one of my closest friends since I was 11 years old. That hurt the worst – knowing she told him all of my secrets and knowing she stood by him while he worked to ruin my life. (didn’t work by the way) But it showed me who my real friends really were, and for that, I was grateful.

But, the best part is.. I have found where I truly belong. I have found family and friends that completely accept me for me. I have an AMAZING husband who came into this knowing all of my flaws and didn’t care. We met when we were small children, and grew up together. He gets me, and knows exactly where I’m coming from. I am so lucky to be in love with him. This new life we have together is so different from what either of us had before we found each other again – and it’s been the best thing for both of us. In finding each other again, and in becoming a part of this new life and this new family, I have found the best friend a girl could ever want. Shelbie is an amazing person. She may not always agree with me (but honestly, I don’t think there has been anything yet that we disagree on other than creamer in our coffee vs. black) but we can always talk about ANYTHING (poop conversation anyone?) at anytime and it’s always ok. There isn’t a single thing that either of us shy away from telling the other. I do not fear that when I tell her something that it will end up in the ears of others later, or that she will judge me silently or otherwise. I have never had that. I thought I had close to that.. but even then, I always knew in the back of my mind that my words were not truly safe.

I have a lot of new friends. I love them dearly. But Troy and Shelbie are the two people I know I can trust with the darkest parts of my heart, and I’ll be safe. I’ll still be loved.

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