Archive for the ‘daily life’ Category

It’s been such a crazy 9 months with all the moving, the divorce, the kids, finding jobs… and my depression. That’s been killer. I was so proud of myself for finally coming out of my hiding place in the bathroom. The place where I hid from the world for upwards of 16 hours a day, every day hiding from my then husband. I only came out to care for my kid’s between coming home from school in the afternoon until bedtime then right back in I went until I was too exhausted to sit upright anymore so that I wouldn’t have to go to bed with him. This went on for about 8 months.

In those 8 months I reached my lowest low, I almost killed myself 3 times and I came out the other side and started to realize that I can’t live that way anymore. Now, there was A LOT going on in the background… my relationship was in nonexistent and violent and getting only worse, my kid’s were really being affected by the constant tension in the house, and I was trying to silently get my self together enough to leave.

In the spring I was able to pack my kid’s and cats and move out. Finally. Even though things are SO much better now, I still hide in the bathroom multiple times a day… but now maybe only 1 or 2 hours a day.. and not consecutively. Just when I need to breathe. I’m finding ME without restriction. I’m slowly… so slowly.. healing. I’ve got some PTSD from my last relationship but I’m working through it.

Advertisements

 I was outside sweeping the house  (like, the actual siding of the house.. I’m a psycho) and thinking about how drastically my life has changed in a year. Last year at this time I was spending 16+ hours locked in a bathroom, often laying in the empty tub contemplating suicide. Then I got a new diagnosis (borderline personality disorder) and realized that I had to make changes and fast. I had to get the kids and myself away from Troy (who tormented me) for good. I had to get off of the (9) medications I was on so I could think clearly bc I was taking medications for bipolar and depression – which I didn’t have (the bipolar part). BPD is totally treatable with mindfulness, dialectical behavioural therapy and a lot of self work and coping skills. 

A year later, I’m still not that great at those skills but I’m trying. I struggle every day with myself, but not with my life.

I no longer spend every day wishing I were dead. My kids and I are safe. We survived. We are thriving. 

For the first time ever  I’m in a good, loving, safe and supportive relationship. I have friends who love me, are there for me, and understand when I need to work on my own shit for awhile, without making me feel bad about it. 

This is the truest meaning of blessed and I’m so grateful. 

Growing pains 

Posted: December 25, 2017 in daily life
Tags: , , , , ,

There was a time recently when my son and I were so close. My daughter and I were so close. We were a team.

As I wake up this quiet, lonely Christmas morning I can’t help but mourn the relationship I had with my children. I cried and slept all day yesterday because they are at their dad’s, where my son lives and my daughter lives part time. I want to start making Christmas breakfast but I don’t know if they’ll even come before dinner.

I have a fiancee who adores me, 2 soon to be bonus children who love me, but my own kids couldn’t really care less. My heart is so heavy.

Merry Christmas.

Life is so boring and banal right now. It’s a big change but damn. It’s still all so confusing. I don’t know what I want my life to look like.

I’ve stopped my meds so that I can deal with my bpd with therapy only and feel so much more clear now but with it brings heartache and confusion. Ive hurt so many people unintentionally, and I’m doing my best to be mindful and live in the moment but part of my past just won’t stay out if my head. 

     A few years ago I was on a journey to have a lap band surgery. I was 5’2 and weighed 200 pounds.

image

I jumped through all the hoops and had surgery scheduled. One of those hoops was a sleep study. It was miserable. You go to a hospital or lab and they hook you up to a million wires and you have to try and sleep with this crap attached to you, while someone watches you via camera. Yeah. Good luck. It was determined I had sleep apnea, but I never did anything about it. – I also did not get the lap band surgery. (I did, however, get a divorce shortly after and ended up losing weight a healthier way – its amazing what happiness will do!)
     Anyway, fast forward to a few months ago when my doctor is telling me again that he would like me to do another sleep study. I reaaallly didn’t want to. But I consented, and this time it was not at a hospital, but at the Marriott hotel.
DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRICK. They can dress it up all pretty, but it’s still a stupid sleep study. They still attach you to 900 wires, and ask you to sleep like nothing is different and like a stranger isn’t watching you. But they are. They are and its creepy.

image

That was me, last night. Don’t I look like I’m about to get some good, quality sleep?  Well, I tried. It was a typical pretty much no sleep type of night. In the morning the guy came in and said I still have sleep apnea although it’s mild so I don’t need oxygen. He said I have restless leg syndrome,  which surprised me, and asked me if I hit my husband in my sleep. I looked down and said yes. He asked if I wake up with bruises I didn’t have when I went to sleep – I answered yes. He says I have REM Behavior syndrome (or disorder, I don’t remember which) and that the medication to deal with both things is the same. Klonopin.
     Of course, the physician still has to look over everything and make a final decision. These are just preliminary findings. Nothing life altering, but man it would be nice to just sleep well and wake up refreshed. I honestly have no idea what that is like. I don’t remember ever feeling like that in the morning.

So those grueling hours I spent with my ex last week were all for not. It seems he lied (surprise!) and did not have a job taking him out of town for long periods of time, calling for a need to change visitation schedules. He just wanted to so he could potentially pay less child support. Whatever. We all know he is a dead beat so let’s not dwell on that any further.

Monday morning my love came home from his week at work! I missed him and its been great having him back. It won’t last but its been nice anyway. We got new piercings, he got his nose pierced and I got my first dermal anchor.
image

It actually hurt less than I expected, but still effing hurt! I have a plan for 1 or 2 more near that one, but not sure on placement yet – then I’m done with dermals. They are pretty but, that shit hurts.  I don’t wear a lot of necklaces so I thought it would be perfect.

Next came big hair cut. I have been growing it for several months but it was pretty unhealthy and also getting to a place where it was pretty plain Jane. Hubby asked me a few months ago if he could pick out my next extreme haircut when I was ready to do it again and I agreed so here it is!
Before…
image

And after!
image

Yay! I super love it! He made a great choice! Well, that’s all I have for now!

Edited to add: after viewing the photo above (I used some crappy photos this week!) I immediately went and handled my eyebrows. Sheesh!!