My Mother’s mortality

Posted: November 19, 2018 in Uncategorized

TW: child abuse, cancer, death

I suffered great abuse at my Mother’s hands. I was an unwanted child who managed to survive through attempts to miscarry. I was born sick and small, and have fought for my life since my first breath.

I clearly remember thinking that if she were to die, I’d be relieved rather than sad.

I’ve been out of my mother’s rule for a long time now and we’ve both changed a lot. Though none of our past issues have been properly addressed (ie: she denies it) we have somewhat of a relationship.

My mother is sick. She has several major health issues causing a surgery such as fixing her hernia to be considered deadly. She also had to have her legs amputated in March.

That day in 5he waiting room I reflected on how I felt about my mom and realized I would be greatly effected if she died.

She recently left me a voicemail just telling me she loved me. She’s never in my life done that. I saved and archived it because it scared me. I don’t spend enough time with her, or call her enough. I wonder if I’m subconsciously distancing myself for the end.

This is my mom, and 2 of my sisters and I at my wedding this year. It was a pretty big deal that she came. It was a huge step for us.


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