Sacrifice. It’s a necessary evil

Posted: January 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

I have been a stay at home mother since the second my children were born. I have been there for every sniffle, cough, laugh, tear and wail of MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMIIEEEEEEE at 4 am.  Then I got a divorce. That was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. But it has certainly made some things harder. My kids were thrown for a loop when the divorce happened, we kept them pretty sheltered from everything that was going on. I was a fake it till you make it mother. I hid everything I ever felt and plastered an “everything is perfect” smile on my face. I thought that was the right thing to do, but in reality, it made it that much harder for them to understand when it happened. I have come to realize over the past year and a half that you CAN shelter a kid too much. But I digress. This is a subject for another day.

ANYWAY, now, I am a full-time student. I get straight A’s. I work my ASS off at school, to keep my 4.0 GPA because I want to make sure and get a great job when I graduate. I want my employer to be able to look at my transcript and think “this bitch is going to work her ass off for us.” I go to school and work on school all day. I come home, and work on school. Pick my youngest up from school, come home, work on school, make dinner, work on school, check on the fam, work on school. I don’t get a lot quality of time with my kids, or my new husband. Everyone feels neglected by me. My son,who is 13, understands and when he feels like he wants some time with me, he comes and tells me and we work something out. My little girl (she is 11) – not so much. She gets in my face and acts obnoxious and loud and drives me insane until I kick her out of whatever room I’m in so I can study. Then she gets upset with me. Last night I talked to her about it and she told me she feels like I don’t care about her. A part of me knows that she is overreacting and being dramatic – but the other part of me KNOWS I have been pretty unavailable the past several months. I do the best I can with what little time I have. I feel like an asshole parent. She made me feel terrible and I cried my eyes out last night.

But, I also feel like after I graduate in November, this time will have been a blip on the radar of our life and all the stuff I have sacrificed to finish school will be worth it eventually. I hope that my kids can bear with me until then. I hope I can figure out how to balance it all out.

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Comments
  1. What you are doing is not just for yourself, you are establishing a better for future for your little family. That conversation can certainly be a hard one for an eleven year old to hear, without thinking of neglect. But I guarantee that if you can make some time when your son approaches you, that your daughter will be able to do the same thing. She takes after her mother, she’s a smart mother fucker.

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