Work in Progress

Posted: January 15, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

     Lately, I have seen things about “fat acceptance” everywhere. On one hand, this THRILLS me to no end. I mean.. seriously? I can be fat, eat what I want, dress how I want and NOT care about what others think? This seems like a no-brainer. Bring on the fat love! Only… uh.. no. I’m fat. I DON’T love it – and as a matter of fact I make myself sick whenever I look in the mirror. I am disgusted by what I see there.

But I don’t want to be.

I WANT to love myself.

I WANT to see what everyone else sees in me.

I WANT to accept what I am.

But I don’t know how.

     There are a few women who are .. rather large women who I look up to because these women are smart, confident, GORGEOUS women.. and they tip the scales at over 300 pounds! No, I’m not that big.. but I’m big. I’m not blind. I see it. I feel it. I know. It’s there. Despite everything I have put myself through – there it is. I have an emotional attachment to it – even while I hate it at the same time. It’s a sick twisted circle. I started gaining weight when I was younger on purpose. I NEEDED to be overweight, and unattractive. I needed this to protect myself from those who sought to touch and otherwise hurt a girl who was too young for such things. Surely if I was ugly.. they would leave me alone, right? Wrong. But it was too late, I was well on my way to being a fat girl. I hated myself even MORE.

     I put myself through several years of binging and purging. I no longer have a gag reflex and my esophagus is shot. I hated myself MORE because it was no longer other people hurting me – I was hurting myself.

     Fast forward to now. I am past all the hurt. Nobody would DARE touch me if I didn’t want them to. I do not force myself to vomit every time I eat – though honestly, I seriously consider it several times a week. 

     My husband is the most amazing, understanding and supportive man I have ever met. He never fails to tell me I’m beautiful. He tells me (and shows me in every way he can) that he loves me, and that I am just what and who he wants.

                            I wish I had that much confidence in me.

  1. Y says:

    I’m a big girl, I struggled for YEARS with my weight. Up and down like most of us. I hated to look in the mirror and the little comments I would get and probably still get but I just don’t care anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m working on losing some of my weight because I like the (curvy) figure I used to have and would love to have it again. The way I see it, if you’re not happy with yourself then change. Doesn’t matter if you’re fat or skinny, simply happy and confidant. I have an amazing man in my life who just happens to like big girls… and at first I found that so weird, but it’s just a preference.

    You’re lucky to have such a wonderful husband! I’m sure whatever you decide to do, he will support you as long as you’re being healthy.

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